Zimbabwe: Hey I seized the farm first


Sometimes news about Zimbabwe makes me bitter. Sometimes, I can only get sarcastic. Like when I read this article:

Zimbabwe: Judge Accuses Grace Mugabe of Seizing His Seized Farm

A Zimbabwe High Court judge has accused President Robert Mugabe's family of using political muscle to wrestle a farm allocated to him during the land seizures.

Court documents in our possession filed on November 10 last year show that High Court Judge Ben Hlatshwayo had been allocated Gwina Farm, located in Banket, Zvimba District, in Mashonaland West province and measures approximately 580 hectares.

Hlatshwayo's affidavit exposes Mugabe and his family as multiple farm owners through their company Gushungo Holdings that carries out farming activities at Mazowe Farm, Sigaro Farm, Leverdale Farm and Bassiville Farm.

Gushungo Holdings is cited as the first respondent and the Minister of State for National Security, Land Reform and Resettlement is cited as the second respondent. (Full)

So I wonder what kind of conversation would have transpired between Mugabe and Judge Hlatshwayo. Maybe something like this:

- Hey Mug, this is H.
- ...Hello?
- Mug?? This is H.
- [ticking against the phone]
- Mug???
- [background noise] Ah.. Yeah right.. Sorry, had it upside down.
- Mug?
- Yow! Woosdiz?
- Hey Mug, this is H.
- Yow H., my man, whatzup?
- Hey man. Lisssnn. Your woman is causing me grief, man!
- Which one?
- Grace. That one. She no good, man!
- Why?
- She seized my farm.
- Which one?
- Grace!
- No, which farm?
- Gwina.
- Where the %%$£ is Gwina?
- In Banket!
- Which one?
- Grace!
- No which village?
- Banket!
- No dude, we got no blankets here.
- No Banket, dude, Banket in Zvimba.
- [background noise, whispering] ..no, in Gwina.. [female voice screaming "lemme talk to that no-good judge"]...[background noise].. Hey H?
- How Mug !
- H, listen, dude, Grace says it's hers.
- Which one?
- That farm.
- No dude, it's mine!
- No, it's hers!
- Hey, I seized it first. I seized it from that white dude.
- She says 'no mind, I seize it from you'.
- But it's mine, I seized it first!
- It no matter, she's boss' girl, she can seize all she can.
- But not from a me, I am a homie from your blingbling clan!
- No dude. She seizes.
- But dude, I will sue her sorry ass!
- Which one?
- Grace's!
- Hey H, stay away from my woman's ass!
- Dude, I will sue her sorry ass. And yours too!
- No you can't!
- Yes I can. I am the judge-man!
- You no judge man for long then!
- Yes I am. I got that hammer thing!
- I will seize your hammer thing! I can seize all, I can. I seized the economy. I seized the government. I even seized the central bank, man. Your hammer is mine. Seized!
- Nooooo [whining] don't seize my hammer thing! I only got one. But I got 30 seized farms!
- Hammer mine. Seized. Should've stayed away from my woman's ass!
- But she seized my farm.
- No matter. She like second layer seiz... eh.. eh.. second layer seizer. She seized the farm. I seize your sorry ass. And the hammer.
- [click]

More satire on The Road

Cartoon courtesy The Economist


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