Rumble: Stock Market Disaster Prompts Massive Humanitarian Effort

EAST HAMPTONS, NEW YORK- A drop in the Dow Jones Industrials index this week of more than 800 points as well as the failures of half a dozen major financial institutions have left tens of thousands of Wall Street brokers and high powered investment bankers bereft of liquid assets and without hope. We've all seen the incredibly moving footage on the evening news, the throng of gaunt, lifeless figures in smoking jackets and evening gowns wandering the streets of their high powered bedroom communities in search of food and shelter.

Amid the chaos of this growing humanitarian crisis, President Bush has bravely taken the lead and, through the coordinated efforts of several federal agencies, sought to bring relief to these weary, bejeweled souls.

"I know we took a lot of heat for the slow response to Hurricane Katrina," said Bush, "and I really don't want to repeat that mistake."

Aid helicopters hovered over the Hamptons beach club on Wednesday morning, air-dropping crates of supplies including canteens of single malt scotch, cigars, and MRE's filled sandwiches topped with Grey Poupon. At first the thirsty and famished residents were quite receptive, but the crowd turned ugly when it became clear that the cigars were of not of Cuban origin.

"This is so humiliating," said Hamptons resident Thurston Howell, trying without luck to light his generic cigar with a lowly five dollar bill. "Plus, this whiskey can't be more than five years old. How dare they!"

As the dusk approached, FEMA officials recognized that the relief effort had reached a critical point. If they did not act before night fell, some feared that there might be nothing left when the sun rose the next day. With that in mind, Chertoff and others made a last-minute decision to drop a second shipment of emergency supplies in the hardest hit portions of the Hamptons, this one a bit more practical: premium bottled water and bales of hundred dollar bills.

The exhausted and dehydrated Wall Street evacuees received the relief packages with great enthusiasm, especially the cash. News cameras perched on helicopters overhead captured footage of the gleeful residents rubbing the bills together lovingly, tucking them into their clothing, and using them to making a small bonfire on the beach.

"I guess George Bush really does care about rich white people after all," said Howell, his eyes dewey and moist. "President Bush cares for all Americans, everyone from the obscenely wealthy down to the very very rich."

This satire was respectfully ripped from Ridiculopathy, with thanks.

Picture courtesy sharpchoice.com